Friday, October 17, 2008

Fog

I watched fog drifting in towards us
Big blue mountains in the background
with fog whisping in waves
big solid white waves
cover ghost oil platforms
as if they were live ships
drift across the ocean
hovering, waiting to move in like a predator
cumin, rich Indian spices floating up the canyon
reminding me of childhood and incense and the 60's
I looked at the Spanish tile adobe
which house, which million dollar house had a wife from India
with spices that floated up through the canyon?

Ageing

problems, his father walked away
I listened to my son
he waited and wanted

I tried to fix them
on my own
I could feel years
years fall into wrinkles around my eyes

Monday, October 13, 2008

Packaging Matters

I fell asleep, my window open
I wrapped the lavendar hand knit blanket my mam-maw made around me
I buried myself

I opened my eyes to cold October air
as cold as I was awake
coldness opened my eyes

At the coffee shop I noticed
Beautifully wrapped sugar colored witch lollipops
Halloween coffins with edible skeletons inside
all this American packaging felt like my mam-maw's blanket
something I know

I noticed the books I designed
how different it was twenty years ago
how you could slap headlines on with glue
a little crooked
glue individual letters, spaced a little uneven
Now, my programs were mathematically precise

I noticed how perfect the witch was,
bright sugar enameled details on her clothes,
little pink buttons
green eyes
glaring purple hat
sharp, crisp, clear
even in sugar you could see
how important it is to look purrrfeccctttt...
is this only an Americanism?

Friday, October 10, 2008

French Au Pair

I walked into the kitchen
early afternoon
she was wearing
a short grey nightshirt
an expensive one that tucked in ribbons at the bottom

She was young,
not older than twenty
visiting from France,

I watched soap suds
drain from sink
I watched her do dishes
I watched her bare legs
as if they were some extension of herself
into the world of showing
not caring
wanting
a catwalk of showing off,
I heard her laughing on the phone to her boyfriend
Did he care?

I wondered how
why
I tried to remember a time when
I didn't mind doing dishes in a short grey t-shirt

I have grown so self-conscious
She seemed, as a European, to be so much more open
than me, an American
I wondered why they were so open
why we were so closed?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Blue & 500 miles ahead

He had to change jobs
He was moving, leaving her
Cold wind growing


Curled up in the car
you ask tentatively, "What's wrong?"
She shudders a little
watching rain come down on your windshield
wet, soft
driving past garish skeletons
Halloween set ups in the front yard
She shudders thinking of you leaving
heart wrenching agony that comes with it

You were talking about moving
leaving
word flashed again like
nightmare skeletons in the yard
leaving, mixed with past flashbacks
flashes of how much it hurt
every time someone close left
It's hard to make it in this town
cold wind growing
gnawing into dread

leaving
when you move to another city to get a better job
She's missing you terribly already
She's trying to imagine how she'll feel when your gone
She try's to tell herself,
"You were never here in the first place..."
You never changed your phone number to 805
She feels like something's missing...

How you felt when she wasn't there
at the movie theater last week,
You told her,
"something's missing"
She's trying so hard not to see how much she'll miss you
how attached she's become

Friday, October 3, 2008

Connection Baggage

I walked across the college campus,
evening, ocean startling, deepening
turning darker blue
Everything that was crisp and clear was starting to smudge
I saw her, dark brown hair, head turned
a distant look on her face
I used to have that look

I rested my head against him
curled up in the rocking chair
You look so distant, he said
"Yeah, I was dreaming..." I responded
I would tell him about my dreams
daydreams
I would lay on the floor, on the pillows,
get that far off glazed look
"You were drifting again," he said.
Not mean-like,
sorta gently reminding me,
to be here, now
with him

I was drifting,
I was thinking about my ex...
How can we connect,
now
when I keep thinking about my ex?

I mentioned it to my girlfriend,
she responded, shockingly
"I said his name last night out loud,"
when I woke up this morning, he asked me
"What were you dreaming about?"
"I don't remember," she murmer'd
"What am I supposed to say?
I was dreaming about what great sex we used to have?" she laughed

I talked to a guy friend in his 20's,
he's a history buff who likes to date European women...
"Most woman have baggage," he said
"I go out with these terrible women, they have like,
8 ex-boyfriends. It creates problems.
I think relationships are hard.
In the past men and women would get marrried right away.
Now it is different.
You have to care about the other person.
I think people are inherently selfish.
There are two categories, people who care and people who don't care.
I don't go out with women who don't care," he said firmly.

I listened to his tangent. I love it when he goes off...
"If a woman called me right now,
I'd be like, see ya...
I don't care about my ex's," he said
However, I know, he chats online with them all the time...
would he stop if he started seeing someone new?

Over and over again
I remember the first time I went out with you,
"My brother worked for EA games," I said...
You hardly listened to a thing I said
I had to repeat it, later in the conversation
I didn't blame you
how could you possibly care?
we learn to not care
to be emotionally anesthetized
In your 50's, you must have done this so many times...
talking and listening
connecting and unconnecting

It's true, women do have baggage
men have baggage
so many relationships,
so many times
over and over
it seems so hard to connect through the cobwebs of the past

In the future we will have online relationship databanks where we keep
our relationship data
compartmentalized
maybe the program scripts will assess data, reformat it
we will be presented with options,
be able to pick a, b, or c
online connections are so different than real life connections
the skyline darkens into evening on campus
can I brush away the cobwebs into the night,
smudging the skyline the way it is now?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Genealogy

I heard her smooth southern Oklahoma voice over the phone,
we discussed copyrights and genealogy,
her new book,
we talked about civil war accroutements,
"I have found," she said,
"that most families can trace their family history back to the civil war..."
"Yes," I intoned, seeing my great grandfather's hands
opening the old family wooden box...
old pictures,
hand written notes slowly falling apart
how he traced his family back to the signing of the Constitution
energetic discussion, endless discussion,
how big their minds must have been,
I wish I had time for hours of endless discussion...
My day is so busy, there is so little time,
I envy them and their grand ideas
I watch the dust fall off the old photographs,
and think of preservation
how long ago wasn't that far away
and how what we do now will change everything

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Yells the same as Sunshine

sun shining cruelly
angry at his family
words, same as shouting

Sunday, September 28, 2008

If only...

If only, "¡Ojalá!"
win the lottery, she sighs
he dreams of her smiles


I asked him, "What was your favorite word when you lived with her in Spain?"
He said,
In the piazza walking at night, warm, under stars
heading home
If only, "¡Ojalá!"
She would say it with a sigh, like winning the lottery
He would smile at her
Yes, if only...

I got the idea for this poem when my friend lived in Spain for a year with his Spanish girlfriend.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

An affair with a dragon

His words came out flames
Like a dragon, searing her
Still, she loves him so